“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”

For the past week or so I felt a lot of concern for my baby.  I kept feeling anxious and worried.  I woke up in the night frequently, unsure of why.

I'm new to this whole mommy-to-be bit.  Given the advice I've heard, there should have been no problems.  I experienced cramping on occasion.  I never was actually sick, but nausea came.  At times certain foods drew me in like a fish on a hook, other foods I couldn't look at.  All seemed fairly normal.  I never even spotted, until yesterday. 

I told Ben and we fed off the other's anxiousness until finally we called the doctor's office.  They assured us everything was more than likely fine, but we could come in to calm our nerves anyway.  We went in, shared concerns, and they told us all our experiences were normal.  To make us feel better, the doctor offered to do an ultra sound.  They knew it was too early to see much of a baby, but we would be able to see the beginnings and it would make us feel better.  The picture showed the sac, apparently vacant.  The doctor said the baby could just be small and in a hidden position.  

I hoped.

One last test to calm our nerves.  The nurse drew my blood to test for the pregnancy hormone. They told us to go back in today to get one more blood test to make sure the hormones were significantly rising, a sure sign of a growing baby. 

We didn't need to go back for another blood test. 

This morning there was no mistake.

I miscarried. 

Though I trust in God's plan for us, though I know miscarriage is common, though I know there is always next time, though I know I did nothing wrong, I cried.  A feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me.  Ben held me, assured me everything would be alright.  Though I knew things eventually would calm, for that moment all was not right.  I needed a bit of grieving.  

I stopped myself from asking the deadly question, "Why?"  Instead I imagined what was to come for us. Obviously God had another plan in store than for us to deliver this October, this year.  What could I do to make the time more meaningful?  What more can Ben and I do to prepare?  

Names can be saved; clothes can be boxed; cribs can be stored.  However, there's only so much time for preparation. 

Though Ben and I feel adequately prepared and anxious to help teach God's children on earth, the time is not right for us.  I guess we have more to learn. 

p.s. It has really helped to hear so many women give us consolation.  It helps to know 20-25% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage.  It helps that we personally know women who have experienced that and now have healthy, happy babies.  Our turn will come.  When it does, we'll let you know.   ;)